Death-Related Posts

Flashback Nov. 2, 2005, I had a firsthand experience on what was death like. Death took my father away, a part of me died as well. I was in denial because I never knew the word death before that, I know that people will die eventually but not with my father at that time, he is young, in his early 50's, he is sick but I always put it in my head that he'll be okey and that he'll reach to be 80 or perhaps more, we will still share moments together. That's what stuck in my head, those perceptions broke down into pieces when I saw him lifeless in the morgue wrapped with a white blanket, then it occurred to me -->DEATH IS INEVITABLE. As morbid as it sounds, we will all die and no one can escape death,not unless you're a fictional character in Anne Rice's vampire novels. Life-->death, two unavoidable contradictions that's been there for ages, truth that we need to learn to live up to. As what I've read before, in recognizing that death exists, we might try to change the way we live and learn to detach ourselves from things that are temporary(i.e possessions) and learn to value more on things that will continue to live on even after we depart and that is the love of the people who matters most to us like our family and friends, good reputation and a good legacy that you might leave behind. My father died but my love for him along with my family who he leaves behind will always be in our hearts and will bring it to eternity. He may not be a perfect person, but for me he's the best father. And for your 7th death anniversary papa, I'm sending you all my love from way down here, you'll always have our love.

Walk Walk Walk....

I need to get back to my early morning walking exercise because depression starts to set in. I found myself doubting my self worth again (baliwan moments coupled with crying sa gamay kaayo na rason). I can't afford a shrink so ibaktas na lang naku siya, free and effective pa for blue moments. My world revolves around my bed, computer and the kitchen and yeah it is very depressing, ug makabuang.  I need to get out, magpasingot ug magpainit para maactivate ang happy hormones.

Dreamers Can't be Tamed

I realize that I have this really big dreams lurking in me. It was awakened by a conversation I overheard from my sister and her friend Jen. They were talking about my sister's visa application to Norway. Jen told her that there are job opportunities in Norway,not only for nurses but also for teachers like me and that Norway is a good place to stay. There are no rich and poor in Norway because they highly foster socioeconomic equality,everyone's equal. She said that you don't need to kiss your boss or superior's ass as long as you work hard for the good of the institution where you belong and you serve Norway by paying taxes then that's it. There's no big difference between the superior's salary and that of his/her subordinates (how cool is that?) An ordinary person in a working class actually drives Volvo around town.(Volvo?! f*cking Volvo!). I am not that materialistic really(I know how to get by with life having less than 1 dollar in hand), what was awaken in me was the ambition and dreams inside me, we all have that ambitions within us, ambitions to change our lives and the lives of the people we love. If there is a place like that where we could have that opportunity to live out our dreams, then by all means  I would break out from my comfort zone and go to that place. My mama is getting old, at her age now, I just want her to relax and enjoy life with less worries. I want to provide her with everything life has to offer. My sister and I only wants what's best for my mama and my brother,they are our life. We want to provide for them at the same time achieve our individual dreams. We can't do it here, maski duha mi nagawork,pirmi gihapon kulang,mahulog ra among sweldo pambayad ug utang. Me and my sister sets aside our personal desires for things that we really wanted to do. I don't mind setting aside those desires as long as my family is okey, I can't be truly happy too if i'll try to insist on what I want and let them starve, that's really selfish. I want to go to different places,that's my dream. I want to travel around the different beautiful spots in the Philippines, go backpacking around Europe,get high on pot in Amsterdam, take pictures of the famous architectures around the world, trail music festivals, meet new people, experience different cultures, fall in love, wear a bikini in Santorini, gobble up on chocolates in Belgium, drink beer in Germany(Oktoberfest!), pray in Sagrada Familia, go to Prague, visit Liechtenstein(wherever that is), gondola ride in Italy, participate in tomato throwing in Spain(La Tomatina!)  etc..etc..etc... I have dreams the size of the entire milky way. Dreams are for free, and if I could make it big, I'd love to dream,dream,dream,dream away......

Ready for the Big 3-0

I have been very busy for the month of April, so busy that I wasn't able to write any entries at all for that month. Grad. school reports and requirements, preparation for a possible career change and my current job, these are the things that I've been juggling with recently. So much with that,here's what I really wanted to write....One more month and I'll leave my 20's behind, one more month and I'll hit the big 3-0, one more month and I'll be facing another decade. To be honest, I'm glad that my 20's will come to an end. I'll be leaving a decade of insecurities,self-doubt,self-loathing and a decade full of uncertainties in life. I'm thankful for my 20's as well because if I haven't gone through that stage along with the experiences it gave, I wouldn't reach this certain level of maturity and confidence which I have right now, the qualities that I need to have as I face my 30's. I have learned a lot of things from my 20's, two realizations stood out, one-> to never ever allow myself to be disrespected by a man or any man in exchange for that one misleading word->LOVE, which I so wanted to hear and feel and be reciprocated by them. One thing is for sure, there's no greater love than the love God gives me,the love of my family and friends and most of all the love I have for myself. I now fully understand that you can't expect others to love you when you yourself don't have it in you. Two, have goals/dreams and achieve it, explore new possibilities and don't be afraid to fail and learn when reaching for it. 

Vacation Thoughts

I went to Bohol with my family last week. I enjoyed a week-long vacation together with them. I love Bohol so much that I wanted to stay there forever. I love the people, the food, and the whole place. The highlight of my trip was when we went to my aunt's island,a vanishing island actually. The moment the pumpboat docked on the shore, I immediately jumped into the water and swam. I was like a child who haven't seen a beach for centuries. I was having fun, I didn't mind about getting sunburned(thanks to my buri hat). I was really happy. While riding on the pumpboat on our way home, I did realize a lot of things, and some certain desire was awaken in me. During that 45 minutes boat ride, I silently watched the vastness of the ocean and was able to reflect on a lot of things. In my silent reverie, I felt like I was one with the universe,that the world is wide and just like the ocean,life has endless possibilities. I want to explore the world, I want to experience life's endless possibilities, I want to see a lot of things, I suddenly felt alive and have a strong desire to live. At that moment,gone was the saddest person I know,that person who became contented in the four corners of her room,silently letting life pass her by, that's not me,that's not what I want anymore. I want to break out of my comfort zone,take more risks and experience being alive again. Thanks Bohol for that life changing experience, and thank you Lord God for giving me a chance to enjoy  your wonderful creations.

Simon

This blog post is entirely dedicated to you, to express how thankful I am to be blessed with a guy like you,my hero,my first love(and will always be my love), my father. I may never be expressive or I haven't said the words "I love you" to you that often,in only two very rare occasions actually, one was when my teacher obliged us to write letters for our fathers on father's day and the other was when you were in a coma fighting for your dear life, I  told those three words to you over and over but you can't hear me and it was too late for me. I love you pa, I always have,I just have problems expressing and showing it. It's been 6 years now since your death but the thoughts of you still brings tears. I miss you so much papa. I know that you are in a good place now, free from the pain you've been through. We've move on but life is totally different without you in it. Happy birthday and I just want you to know that I am so thankful to be blessed with two of the most wonderful parents who never fail to make me feel that I am loved.

Bitchin'

I can be a regular bitch,try to test my patience and you'll see

Of Basketball and Books....

*** First stop, basketball...the name I would associate with this sport is the man behind the term "Linsanity,Linsane,Linmania" and other monicker one might think of in reference to this guy's name--->Jeremy Lin. This guy opened my interest in basketball once again,he makes NBA exciting to watch. I've been following him around social media these past few days, not to mention watching his game highlights on youtube(stalker much). He's sooo good,he has a potential to be one of the best basketball players in NBA history..... hmmm enough, I can actually go on and on.
***Second, books.....the Millenium trilogy got me hooked,and Lisbeth Salander is by far the most unforgettable character I've ever known. Her eccentricities,flaws and her computer hacking powers makes me love her. Two of my students actually introduced this series to me and just like them I'm going nuts over it too. I've seen the films, I think Rooney Mara perfectly fits Lisbeth's character than Noomi Rapace. I like the American version than the Swedish one.

GPS Anecdote

stude: I caught my daughter sleeping with her boyfriend
me: how? you're daughter is in Kyoshu
stude: through GPS
me: maybe they're just studying
stude: at 2am?
me: overnight study,maybe they're busy preparing for an exam
stude: naked?
me: hmmmmm ahmmm...maybe they're studying anatomy?
stude: (laughed out loud) but my daughter is not a medical student
me: maybe they have a biology class together
stude : Oh Ana!, you know what I mean right? but it's ok,she's 19, I just really want her to graduate and give me good grades
me: did you and your wife try to talk to her?
stude: we don't want to confront her,maybe she'll get angry and won't talk to me anymore

* He said that he's okay with it but I can totally read "worry" written all over his face. I can't blame him, my father would totally go ballistic if he finds  me out doing things like that while still at school. Fathers are naturally protective. I really wish that her daughter will successfully graduate. He is one of the nicest students I have and it would break his heart if things wouldn't turn out the way they wished him to be.

A View on My Secret Life

I've read My Secret Life, it's a story about an anonymous author and his sexual conquest during the Victorian era. Before reading it, I was googling for books to read, and came upon a list of banned books. I downloaded those books listed under banned for obscenities and came across My Secret Life. I was just curious about the level of obscenity that these books have. I just wanted to know why they are banned. First read was My Secret Life, it was banned because it's too graphic,the sex scenes described were too explicit. It's like viewing porn in your imagination. The vocabularies used were very straightforward i.e. c*nt, c*cks,etc. It's more of like psychology and sexuality in one book, his sexual awakenings,his views,what he feels about the act. At first,it was in a way mind opening,but as you go through along,the book seems like a drag,everything is about his conquest,about how he gets a girl or girls and other sexual acts. I wonder if all his accounts were true even if the book claims that it's non-fiction and an autobiography at that but 1,200 girls and a girl with two vag? oh now c'mon! In that book, sex is sex, people are sexual beings and it's part of human nature,no matter what era you belong to or what social class you're in,as he said it's just c*nts and c*cks all the way. What makes it interesting though is that it is set during the Victorian era where people are highly moral and regard these issues as social taboos, no wonder why this book was banned because subjects about promiscuity,adultery and prostitution were prevalent throughout the book.

New Year,New Life

I will own 2012!-->this will be my slogan for this year. 2011 made me realize a lot of things, I've been passive,just silently getting on with life last year, not actively participating, there were no risks taken. I spent most of my time at home just working. There were very few changes though, I enrolled in a graduate school and pursued an advance education,other than that,there were no significant changes at all. This year, I want to take more risks, try to apply for another job, travel, go out more often, exercise more and eat less, be one with the world, to live and not just merely to survive, stuffs like that. I started the year right, I welcomed the year in a sober state of mind,miracles of all miracles but yeah I didn't drink nor sip one single drop of alcohol even if it was in front of me waiting to be consumed. I went walking exercise for one hour with my preggy cousin last Jan. 2 and this day too, actually I started doing it last year, one of the habits I'll bring on this year. It feels good actually, so refreshing to sweat out early in the morning,to move, to breathe in the fresh morning air and see the sunrise, it makes me less depressed and I noticed that exercising sharpens your mind and gives you less blue days. I feel hopeful again for this year and just overflowing with positive and good vibes, I just hope that this feeling will stay with me for the rest of the months to come.