Here are some of the truths presented by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, authors of the book He's Just Not That Into You. This entry goes out to all the smart ladies out there who are still in the dark(Wake up!!!!!).
* We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that’s the truth: He’s just not that into me.
* wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you’re not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can’t-Remember-to-Call.
* When a guy is into you, he let’s you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you, and when it’s time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige. I don’t care if he’s starting his new job as the president of the United States the next morning at 0400 (that’s 4 A.M. ladies!). He’s coming up!
* If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him, his actions are screaming the truth: He’s just not that into you.
* Move on, sister! Cut your losses and don’t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when
you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don’t want to hear it? Fine. Here’s the answer you’re looking for: “Hang in there, baby. He’s not the loser everybody’s telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!” But please don’t be surprised when he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
* a man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you.
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He’s Not Asking You Out
Because If He Likes You,
Trust Me, He Will Ask You Out
* Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance.
* from a guy's perspective: Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we’re really excited about someone, we can’t stop ourselves—we want more. If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.
* If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that
immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and
go away.
* “Give me a call.” “E-mail me.” “Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime.” Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. but when men like women, they ask them out.
* If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time.
* When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you.
* from a woman's perspective: Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There’s no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.
* Don’t let the “honeys” and “babys” fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than “I’m just not that into you.” Remember, actions speak louder than “There’s no cell reception where I am right now.”
* “Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?” I’m saying to you, “No.” Barring disaster—someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was just fired from his job, someone keyed his Ferrari (kidding)—he should never forget to call you. If I like you, I don’t forget you, ever. Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
* Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. Some guys are lying, some guys really mean it. Here’s how you can tell the difference: You know they mean it when they actually do what they said they were going to do. Here’s something else to think about: Calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna to have a house, baby. And it’s cold outside.
* So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.
* space in a relationship is good. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting your need to have some form of connection with him while he’s away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.
* The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.
* You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.
* Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend” or “If you ever break up with that other guy who’s not your boyfriend, I’d like to be your boyfriend.” A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn’t he, hot stuff?
* It’s about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more. Every two weeks, once a month, seeing someone, having a little love and affection may help you get through the day or the week or the month—but will it help you get through a lifetime?
* no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared. And if at all possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with them.
* a fear of intimacy” has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, “Fear of intimacy is an urban myth.” Another guy said,“That’s just what we say to girls when we’re just not that into them.”
* cheating doesn’t just “happen.” It’s not an accident as in, “Oops, I just slipped and fell into a sexual relationship with someone else.” It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. Know this: If he’s sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who’s just not that into you, he’s behaving like a man who doesn’t even like you all that much.
* If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship, then when someone cheats on you, they have decided to blatantly disrespect a very important decision you two made together. They’ve chosen to do this without your knowledge, thereby adding lies and secrecy to your relationship.
* Let’s call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He Only Wants to See
You When He’s Drunk
If He Likes You, He’ll Want to See You When His
Judgment isn’t Impaired
* Ladies, don’t let your desire to be loved and feel affection cloud your judgment (like a big tall glass of scotch). If you are lucky enough not to be dealing with the profound, painful problems of being married to, living with, or born to, an alcoholic, and you just happen to be dating a guy that you notice drinks an awful lot, please beware. Know you deserve not just an affectionate, attentive boyfriend, but you deserve an affectionate, attentive, sober one.
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He Doesn’t Want to
Marry You
Love Cures Commitment-Phobia
* I’m not ready. This is the most often used excuse in the world, but it always seems to do the trick. Women love waiting around for men to be ready. You women must enjoy it, because you do it so much of the time. Which is ironic to me, since you’re the ones with the biological clocks that are supposedly ticking away. Listen, we all know that couple who’s been dating for five years…eight years and still hasn’t gotten married. We know it never works out well for that couple. So how about you stop waiting—and start looking for that guy who can’t wait to love you.
* He’s Just Not That Into You If
He’s Breaking Up with You
“I Don’t Want to Go Out with You”
Means Just That
* Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
* Don’t underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you’ve been doing it with for a very long time.Especially with someone you’ve been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It may be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it’s still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-God-the-sexwas-so-good-wegot-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.
* Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. If aliens haven’t recently abducted your beloved and switched his brain for the brain of a guy who’s really into you, please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely.
* Don’t confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.
* One simple rule, ladies: Always be classy. Never be crazy. Okay, actually it’s two simple rules, but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them. If for no other reason, it will ensure that you never have that awful memory of cutting his clothes in half or dumping his dog on the side of the road.
* A guy says he doesn’t want to be with you. Sometimes that guy realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. And then sometimes he doesn’t. Either way, either way, your only job is to move on with your life, and fast. He can always try to chase you down as you’re running down the block. If he does, just remember that it will sound like this: “Let’s get back together.” “Let’s go into counseling.” “Let’s try again.” “I miss you. I made a mistake. I want to be with you.” Here’s what it won’t sound like: “Will you walk my dog?” “Just calling to check in.” “Want to see that movie?” “Will you go to Cousin George’s wedding with me?”
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He’s Disappeared on You
Sometimes You Have to Get Closure
All by Yourself
* He’s gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well, there’s no mixed message here. He’s made it clear that he’s so not into you that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it. This time you may not be so quick to make excuses for his behavior. It’s so painful, it’s impossible not to be hurt or angry. But because of that, you might be tempted to make some excuses for yourself. You have good reason to want to spend a lot of energy solving the Mystery of the Disappearing Man. But all those excuses, however valid they are, will not help you in the long run. Because the only part of that story that’s important to remember is that he didn’t want to be with you anymore. And he didn’t have the guts to tell you that to your face. Case closed.
* The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing. Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone. Hallelujah. See ya in the funny papers, yellow-belly!
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He’s Married (and Other
Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
If You’re Not Able to Love Freely,
It’s Not Really Love
* No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may “never ever have felt this way before.” But who cares? If the person you “love” (notice the snotty quotation marks around that) cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it’s not real love.
* He’s Just Not That Into You
If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a
Bully, or a Really Big Freak
If You Really Love Someone, You Want to Do
Things to Make That Person Happy
* There’s lots of behavior that can be considered abusive that doesn’t include being beaten about the head and neck. That includes getting yelled at, being publicly humiliated, or being made to feel fat and unattractive. It’s hard to feel worthy of love when someone is going out of their way to make you feel worthless. Being told to get out of these relationships may not work for you. Knowing that you’re better than these relationships is the place to start. You are better than these relationships.
* When two people are connecting, they hunger for information about each other, a sliver of what life is like when you’re not together, a glimpse into their past, a peek into their mind,all in hopes of getting under their skin.
* You will meet people who don’t like to be touched, or kissed, or who don’t like sex. You can spend a lot of time trying to fix them, or wondering if you should take it personally. Or you can realize that they simply don’t like to do the things you find absolutely essential to your enjoyment of life, and then go find yourself someone who does.
* Being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that, yes, my true belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honor the person you are, is worse.
* You want to believe that you are better than all the crap you’ve been taking from all these men all these years. Well you are. You are an excellent, foxy human being worthy of love, and the only way you can pursue that idea is by honoring yourself. At the very least this means ridding your world of dudes who are not worthy and setting a standard of excellence in your daily life.
* Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. I’ll believe it for you until you’re ready.
* Don’t Listen to These Stories->Sure. There are the stories. Guys that get pursued by some girl first and she ends up being the love of his life; the guy that treats this girl that he sometimes sleeps with like shit for a couple of years, but she keeps at him and now he’s a devoted husband and father; the guy who doesn’t call a girl that he’s slept with for a month, and then calls her and they live happily ever after; the woman who is sleeping with the married guy who she ends up marrying and having a blissful long-term marriage with. We don’t want you to listen to these stories. These stories don’t help you. These stories are the exceptions to the rule. We want you to think of yourself as the rule. Thinking of yourself as the exception is what got you into this mess in the first place. Tell your friends to stop telling you these stories. Whenever you hear one of these stories, a story where some woman was treated badly but it all worked out okay in the end, just put your hands up to your ears and go “la-la-la-la-la!” You are exceptional, but not the exception!!
* But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you. Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing will be able to stop her!
* Standard Suggestions from Greg and LIz
I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
I will not date a man who is married.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.
* being in a good relationship is much better than being in a bad relationship, and you’ll never be able to be in a good relationship if you’re sticking with Mr. Shitty What’s His Name. Only you can know if the relationship you’re in isn’t good enough for you. A good indication that it’s not is if you’re only staying with What’s His Name because you’re scared.
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